Sunday, December 12, 2010

Same old, same old.

I haven't typed up a venting session or personal blog in a very long time so I hope this doesn't come out awkward or anything.

So I guess I'll start out with Sabrina's birthday. I love Sabrina. She's my best friend and she's a good person and she's lovable and just about every other positive quality out there. And I know there shouldn't even be a comparison when it comes to the both of us because we're two completely separate people, but it's hard to forget how perfect she is when it's shoved in my face all the time. Her party last night was like a huge billboard sign reminding me how much of a black sheep I am. I can only thank God we weren't in the same grade. Whenever I imagine us being in the same grade, I think about how everyone already loves her more and instead of my friends being her friends it would be me being friends with her friends. I hope that makes sense. Not that that makes much of a difference with my friends now. I mean, the only people who really know how insecure I am about my family are Nadine, Patricia, and CJ. Although, CJ forgets most of the time. Anyway, I hate hearing from my so called friends that Sabrina or my sister are their favorite "Sicams." It's pretty much a huge slap to my face. Why are you friends with me when you obviously like them more? I don't know why I have such a hard time verbalizing my discomfort when they say things like this. I wish I could just be upfront and release my frustration that you should just hang out with them and not me, but then that would make me vulnerable. That would make me sensitive. But I'm not being sensitive, right? I have a right to be angry, right?

Lately, I've been really on edge with Michael. I mean we fight all the time, but lately it's been getting unbearable. And it's so stupid to be fighting with your best friend. Like, I find it completely unnecessary. But Michael makes me feel like complete shit sometimes. And your best friend shouldn't make you feel like that, right? So why do I let him get away with it? Especially when I'm driving and he starts an argument. I'd totally be like, "Get out of the fucking car you're pissing me off." But I know he would really do it instead of apologizing. And it would just be, as I've said before, completely fucking unnecessary. I love him to death, but sometimes I wish he would give me a little credit.

What I really hate the most though is how comfortable my sister is talking shit to my face in front of my "friends" and them being completely okay with it. More than okay. Actually siding with her. It hurts my fucking feelings and I hate admitting that. I think what makes me really sad is how much I always listen to her but when it's something I feel strongly about she'll either brush it off or make it seem like I should have done something else. Anyway last night when my Tita Edith was talking about how Beng was 8th in her class and drill captain and all of this, and when my sister was the emcee and she's just so great at everything and crying during her candle speech, I really felt it. Like I didn't belong. Like somehow I ended up randomly being placed into that family, like Beng and Ate really should have been sisters and I placed into some other family that I would make more sense in. I know my debut was only a month or so ago, but even within that short time gap I couldn't remember being that loved. And I know I'm totally talking out of my ass because my friends really did make that weekend fucking amazing and that I really am loved by my family. But it's the unconditional kind of love, that my family has to love me regardless. I know people are joking when they say, "Where did you come from?" or other stuff like that, but I ask myself the same question all the time. It's just so hard being a part of a family that has so many expectations from you. And fuck that bullshit about it doesn't matter where you go and what you do as long as you make it because it does matter. In my family at least, if you don't want people to talk shit. Which I shouldn't care about, but I do. I've known this forever, but whenever I think about it I always have to talk my feelings out. Knowing I'm always gonna be two steps behind my sister and Sabrina. And when I can't turn to family, I should have my friends, right? Right. I just need a little reassurance.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I miss Small Shot

Dear Mary,

Here is your long awaited message and I hope it's a good one.

In some way, I'm writing this sort of as a blog, but during school when I felt like I couldn't tell Patricia or Nadine or any of them this kind of stuff, talking to you was the next best thing. So if it seems like I'm talking to myself, that's why. Haha. (:

Summer is truly a short time to do any of the things we've always anticipated to do. Aside from everyone else's schedules, the lazy summer days just get to us and we like to go with the flow. As much fun as I'm having, it still hasn't hit me we're all going our separate ways. It was only a month ago I was reassuring myself that I'll be friends with these people (7 pieces of 8 minus Cassie kind of) for the rest of my life. And it was only the day after graduation Patricia and Michelle pretty much stopped acknowledging each other. I feel completely helpless about this. As best friends we should be able to try to understand each other's points of view rather than disregard them. How can I have let this go this far that Patricia and Michelle stop talking? Sometimes I want to tell them how ridiculous they have been behaving, but I'm afraid it'll only upset them even more. Resulting in me being two friends less. Thus destroying the circle of friends I'd only really cry over.

This in turn, has also made me realize that high school was just that. High school. The rest of the years to come are the true tests of friendship. And I'm seriously afraid of the results. In all honesty, with you goes actually leaving and getting out of LA, I feel like I'm being left behind.

Most of my summer time every year has been spent with you guys, but this year is definitely different. You're in the Philippines right now and when you're in our country you live a good hour and a half away; Michelle Li spends time with family and the Asians; Michelle J has Michael and Adnan and stuff; Patricia stays at home or hangs with Susan and Irene and them; and then Nay and I hang out a lot with Michael, Chris, and Davis. It's weird. I really really need to hang out with Small Shot.

I really thought that since this was our last summer, we'd make an even greater effort to do everything we've always wanted to do, but in all honestly if anything, this summer has only taught us how to learn to be apart. I rely on my friends for everything, but everyone's just going there own ways. Patricia and Michelle don't even care than after this summer if they don't reconcile whatever the hell they're arguing about they might not talk for like ever. They haven't even written their yearbook inserts to each other. How sad is that? A friendship almost a decade long, just thrown away. It's fucking tragic.

Okay okay. I'm sorry for being fucking emo. Anyway, nothing really scandalous going on here. I wish I was having a summer fling with some super hot exotic foreign boy, but alas no. ): I miss you a lot, but I hope you're having a ton of in the Philippines! Don't waste your time there! Make sure you're making a bajillion of memories with all your family there because who knows when you'll see them next time right? (:

I love you, Mary, and I can't wait to hang out when you come back! :D

Sunday, July 4, 2010

California Girls we're unforgettable

Okay, so apparently with my spontaneous summer schedule (Hooray for alliteration!) it's nearly impossible to blog (with worthy content! )every single day. So I suppose whenever I have a lingering thought or two is when I can make a post. Since it's quite often, I'm sure to have a ton of blogs to read over the years. And I want this summer to be as memorable as possible. I want this summer to count.

Summer started last week and I've been going out more than I have ever. I think it's the combination of me becoming older and the fact that I'll be attending PCC in the fall. I think my parents feel guilty about that. The first week of summer was basically debut practice in the morning and whatever the hell we could think of after. I ate so much shit that week because Nay would always buy us lunch. It was very chill and fun spending time with the court and we were all really enjoying it. I've been getting particularly close to Davis. I really like him, but when he fucking locks my phone it irritates me to no end. I think there's a point to where it's not fun anymore. That was like 10 disables ago. -_____-

Grad night was last thursday and it was soo much fun. Since Michelle is pretty much handicapped most of the time we got separated because Nadine, Patricia, and I wanted to stay and dance. D: I wish she stayed, but she has a thing about people touching her. Hah. Anyway it was really fun just dancing with my friends for like four hours straight. The only ride we rode was Space Mountain and geezus new high school graduates are fucking retarded. Pushing and shoving. Unhooking the chains. Creating fucking chaos. Ugh, I was not motivated to start anything seeing how I can go to Disneyland whenever, but people just lack any moral understanding anymore. It makes me sad. Anyway, Grad Nite was overall a very fucking good night.

I wish I didn't have to go to orientation afterwards since you know, it was pointless. Orientation opened my eyes to a lot of things though. I mean I mostly think it's because I was very exhausted to make friends, but I felt really out of place. I'm sure a ton of people felt the same way, but even when I made an effort to make my group laugh, I didn't receive the reaction I was hoping for. I was scared. What if, not only in college, but places where I don't know anyone, they won't get my jokes? Not being understood is everyone's fear I guess though so I shouldn't bitch about it.

This week was great too. I came home Monday finally after eating Noodle World with what was left of the court. Kay and Kamille were here. Kay's gotten soo chubby. They stayed till like midnight or so. Ate Joyce took me to buy some milk at Fresh & Easy and we ended up getting some yogurt at Yogurt Haven. We had a nice conversation.

Two midnight showings in a row: Eclipse and The Last Airbender. I'm just gonna stick with I loved the series a lot so watching the Live Action seemed like the right thing to do.

I went to Disneyland on Thursday with Nadine, CJ, Ria, Michael, and Chris. Ate and  Beng showed up later. World of Color was so beautiful, but I think I dig Fantasmic more, what with the whole storyline and all. But the whole intricacy of World of Color trips me out. How do people come up with that? It's seriously fucking pretty to watch. I'm glad I was between Michael and CJ. [: It felt soo right watching it with them. I need to see it with Sabrina and my sister still!

Friday ended as a good day, but I was pretty irritated the whole afternoon. Except when Michelle and Michael came to visit me. She bought me a book and it made me so happy! Then we watched Supernatural. When my parents finally came home they took me to LACC at 6 o'clock. The exhibit hall closes at 6!! And that was the whole reason I wanted to go to AX. -____- Being there though, I remembered how much fun it was to just goof around and be a total nerd. Sometimes I feel pressured to pretend I'm not into those types of things when I'm around Michael and them, but that's retarded. Why would I be friends with them if they didn't accept me the way I am, right? Anyway afterward, Patricia and I went to eat at Oiwake in Little Tokyo with Francesca and her friends. I can't fucking wait to go to a karaoke bar with my friends. I cannot forget the drunk tita who was grinding on anything that moved. Good fucking times. Sometimes being the sober one is fun. Only sometimes though haha. I wish I could've gone to the Exhibit hall and buy me some cute asian stuff. ]':

Yesterday was Nicole's graduation party and it was fun. The car ride with CJ, Michelle, Patricia, and Caroline was hilarious. Sometimes I don't like hanging out with Caroline because she's so blunt and tactless, but I forget how much fun she can be around when she's not being a bitch at least. We ate tacos and played Scattegories. Fuck, I love board games. :D Around 9 we left to visit Ryan at Walmart since it was his first day. It was sooo big so we split up to cover more ground. I felt so cocky finding him first. Haha, then afterwards we dropped Michelle off, picked up some boba at Noodle World, then got dropped off at home with Patricia. Around 2 though, Michael, Davis, and Steven come to my house smelling like smoke and buzzed. I was not happy. I mean, I love when they come over and stuff, but not like that. That was not cool. I went to bed around 4:30?

And here we are on fourth of July. I have a busy week ahead of me again. I like it that way. [: Going to watch some fireworks at Beng's house soon. Hooray for family!

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

  1. If I could be anything I wanted to be, I’d really want to be an entertainer. Broadway or Disney Channel? Either one would be greaaat.
  2. I love anything and everything Disney.
  3. I am extremely sentimental so if we’ve had a moment, I guarantee I won’t be forgetting it anytime soon!
  4. I still have my Pokémon card collection from when I was a kid. My Pokémon card are neatly categorized numerically in a pink binder while my energy and trainer cards are in a purple binder. I’m so close to finishing the first 150.
  5. I pride myself in never intentionally stealing anything in my life because I know a lot of kids who do.
  6. I believe my best physical feature are my nails.
  7. I haven’t had my first kiss or boyfriend yet because I’m waiting for someone really special.
  8. I want to date a lot of hot men of different ethnicity, but I know I’ll end up marrying a nice filipino boy.
  9. I think my favorite video game will always be Kingdom Hearts.
  10. I pretty much have a three second attention span so forgive me if I’ve ever lost track during our conversation.
  11. When I don’t have a good book to read, I use the internet to read stories that aspiring authors post online. Fictionpress.net!
  12. If I had the resources, I’d want to study abroad. The fact that there are so many places outside of California to discover is fascinating.
  13. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up because I see myself doing so many different things.
  14. I love to sing, but I hate that I sound like an little eight year old girl.
  15. When I have children, I’m making them take karate and guitar lessons because I wasn’t able to when I was a kid.
These are indeed factual, but as for entertaining?… D:

This is supposed to be for tumblr, but I want to put it on my blogspot too. And on a side note,  blogging every single day is pretty hard when you go out a lot. >.<

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Yay for change!

Something that really scares me is how fast someone's emotions can change.

I remember telling Nay that my mom lost her job. We were laughing about something when Nadine asked why I was so sad because of my tweet and in the midst of all the happiness, I started to cry.

So a couple weeks ago my mom got layed off. As a result of this I won't be a CSUF freshman this fall; I'm going to PCC. Which I think I'm fine with since I wasn't totally attached to Fullerton what with me being rejected practically to every school I applied to, but I honestly didn't think I'd end up going to a CC. I really saw myself going to SD or at least Irvine and living the college life, whatever the hell that means. But going to PCC makes sense. I have one parent making income while my sister's schooling is still being paid off. I can't afford going to Fullerton. I suppose the common thought of going to PCC equates going nowhere in life got to me. But I know this isn't true. IE. my sister (UCI), Ate Bran'd (UCLA), Ate Shan'l (UCSD). It's just... I seriously worked my ass off in high school. It sucks knowing I don't deserve this. I cried a lot. My parents are so wonderful. My dad is working double shifts and overtime so I can get my car (I NEED MY FUCKING LICENSE!). My mom asked if I hated her which was ridiculous because I can't hate someone who not only lost her job, but who said if I wanted to go to Fullerton, I could.

Hopefully going to PCC doesn't change my relationships, however. I still see myself being amazing friends with Small Shot and going to Disneyland with Team L and running errands with CJ. I'm an optimistic person and I won't let going to PCC and not a Cal State or UC bring me down. As long as I receive my degree and make big bucks in the future is all that matters. All I can hope for is that this is God's path for me for something bigger. I'm praying at least.

A LOT of things have happened since April 4 by the way aside from my mom losing her job.
 
Prom was everything I imagined and more. With FM, the photobooths, and the posters there, I really felt like I planned prom to be that amazing. I don't give a fuck if people bitched about anything, I had an amazing time. Eric Kim was a great date. After party was hella crackin'. I probably partied with a random bunch of group, but we all had a great time. I need to learn how to control my liquor intake though. I didn't throw up though. :D

I graduated high school. HOLY FUCK RIGHT?! It feels like only yesterday I was blogging on xanga about entering Eagle Rock for the first time as a scrub. I'm going to miss high school a lot. Eagle Rock high school is always gonna hold a special place in my heart. Fuck, those were some good six years. Patricia's going to Fullerton. Nay's going to SDSU. Michelle Li's going to SJSU. Michelle J's going to AAU. And Mary's going to the Marines. How fucking crazy is that? I've known these girls for soo long and we've stuck by each other since the beginning. I mean, aside from Michelle J. missing a few years, Nay going to Glendale for our freshman year, and Mary moving to Corona Junior and Senior year, we've all managed to still remain close. And for that I'm thankful. Not seeing their faces every day is going to be hard. Really hard. But knowing that they're there is something I will be able to look forward when we do finally hang out.

Nadine's debut was a fucking great weekend. I ate so much unhealthy shit that week. Our dances were mos def not the best, but her court was awesome. Spending that whole week with them after practices and what not was hella fun. Going to burbank to Buffalo Wild Wings, watching Toy Story 3, and taking cues was great. For every big event there needs to be a photobooth. It's just too much fun for everyone. (: And you can never get enough pictures. Haha! The first night at the hotel was fun. I always have fun drunk so when I hear about the KJ's in the morning I just remember having a good time. Had like three hours of sleep and went to Denny's. Pretty much chilled and bonded at the hotel the whole day. Then Patricia and I went to Nikole's debut. I make great candle speeches. [': I finally told Edward I liked him in high school. Suh-weet. We went back to the hotel and watch the Senior DVD. It was whatever. I am sooo peeved by mistakes in final productions. ): The it was Boys VS Girls Catchphrase and it was complete BULLSHIT that Ria and I lost!! D< Michael sucks at giving and answering clues! It was really fun though even if Jason and Michael can be big dicks sometimes. The Wiggles and Selena Gomez fucking cracked me up. I need a rematch STAT! Finished Monday eating at Noodle World with what was left of the court and getting me some taro smoothie w/ no boba. (:

I watched Eclipse with Nicole and Caroline a few hours ago and I liked it. It's made me miss reading. I want new books sooo bad. D: Anyway, this has been an amazing start of summer and I need everything to flow this way till the end.

The Last Airbender tomorrow. Disneyland on Thursday. AX on Friday or Saturday. WHOO! Let's do this! (;

Blogging, I've missed you<3