Futureme.org

Dear FutureMe,

Wow, it's been a year homie. Futureme 2.0. Haha, you're so lame. Well, you're last letter was fo' serious depressing, if not refreshing. It was actually really cool remembering what was happening during those time which is why you're back here doing it all over.

Time out. You're in the Philippines at Kristella's house about to go partying. Was it fun? I have no idea how it'll turn out because apparently they drink. Kristella wants you to meet boys and stuff, but what the frick. FOBs? Ugh. But wait. She goes to International school. You're growing close to them. And it's scaring you because when you leave you're going to be fucking sad. AJ, Twinkle, Audrey, and Cedric are so big now. AJ goes to UP [fucking genius yo] and you're still a Junior. Senior now. I hope you did really good Junior year. (:

ANYWAY.

So first of all. Lots of lots of changes. Mary and Nadine [Nary. LOL. Joke.] are kaput. Currently, Nadine is with Chris Tokita [Yes, your almost potential crush before] and Mary is totally stalking this hot [Very hot] asian [Korean] cutie [Yes, hot and cute], Chris Cho. I don't think Nay and Chris will work out, but Nadine's trying to find herself right now. Let her do what she wants, but always let her know what you think. She cares what you think. I think Mary's more torn about it, but I'm so proud of her. She's trying really hard. You and Mary's friendship is as strong as ever. Don't lose it. You should be very depressed if you lose Mary because she's in fucking Corona and you barely see her enough as it is.

JCO is driving you insane. So many people making incompetent choices. You've grown closer to CJ and Carolyn. I hope you're in SCO. Although JCO is stressing, it's a great experience.

Fuck basketball. I hope you quit that shit.

Choir. Hm. I kinda want to be president. I think I'm pretty good at bitching at people. Lol. Is Aaron still there? He better has serenaded you by now. (:

Journalism. How is the staff this year? I hope you became Managing editor or at leasr someone very prominent. Haha. Do we suck? I certainly hope not. I actually think we'd do pretty good next year.

Did you quite Gear-up? It's not that bad. I just hope you don't have cholo mentees again. Your kids were pretty cool, it's just hard to keep them in check. Haha.

Key club? Get your fucking hours done! Did you go to DCON and meet cute Koreans? I hope so.

SDYM is still the shit. It's a fact that has been proven numerous times I know it. Haha. How was leader retreat this year? Man, last year was freaking great. Are the new leaders cool? SDYM has changed your life. Remember those weird people you didn't think were cool? Turns out they became some of your closest friends. Keith Alcantara, do not ever lose him. I repeat, do not ever lose him. Keith is freaking great. Justin Domingo is freaking weird, but totally cool and amazing and you love him to death. Graham. I wonder if you've confessed your undying love for him. Lol. Kidding, you're not even sure if you like him, but he's incredibly funny and cute and you better have taken him to JDD. If not, I'll be terribly upset unless it was Michael. Michael! Have you learned to call him Mikey? You and Michael are really close now too and he's a good person. Don't forget that [Haha]. YOU LOVE MICHAEL. You love those boys. Nikole and Sabrina are cool too. Ashley's not as bad as you think. You're
only resenting her because she calls Ate, "Ate" WEIRD. Haha.

Oh, if you haven't figured it out. You have now realized that there is no such thing as a drama-free life. You know that now. Hah.

Michelle Li. Hmm. She's so stressed and busy nowadays, but you know she loves you. I hope she didn't overwork herself this year. Michelle J. She's going through some tough times with her family right now. You have better been there for her, that's unforgivable. The Michelles are great.

Nicole. She's kinda drifting from everyone else. Moving towards the old magnet crew, but I tihnk you guys will always be tight. She gives you books to read when you want. You guys have better still be friends and if she's still in basketball you should be ridiculing her every chance you get. Nicole will always be your friend.

Beng is working so hard right now. Matt. School. Her parents. Be there for her when she needs to vent. Are those two still together? From what I see, I think they are.

Ate. She's your sister, role model, best friend. She may make you go crazy, but she's defintely someone you can rely on. Let her win those petty arguments, she likes the triumph more than you do.

Patricia Erika Tan Gonzalez is your greatest friend. You went through a lot of shit this year too and she was there every step of the way. When you didn't talk to the family for a week because of Nala, she was there to take you in. When the weight of Nanay's death, Nadine's drama, and mary getting mad at you was too much, she was there to keep you sane. When you really just needed to vent, she was there to listen. Listening, that's what she does best. You love her to death and remember to be as great a friend to her as she is to you.

So 2008 has definitely been a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

Highlights: AX '08. PMX '08, KMF '08, Homecoming '08, Your three birthday parties, etc.?

Downside: Nala died. DRAMA. <-- UGH!

But so far, going into 2009, things look pretty good. I hope you were able to finish all your homework. Haha. Anyway, let's finish off with some things to think about. Don't overanalyze every situation. Let whatever happens, happen. It was meant to be. Don't give up good opportunities. Just go for it. Really. But most importantly, just remember to be yourself.

Oh wait. Do you have/had a boyfriend yet? I hope you didn't rush into anything. Don't forget that's the reason why you've been single for the sixteen years you've been alive. You want your first kiss/boyfriend or whatever to be someone you really like. Don't be pressured to do anything you don't want to. Love yourself and just have fun with your fucking cool friends, kay? (:

When you read this, don't be surprised. Otherwise, that means a lot of changes have happened. But it's okay as long as you've kept the friends that matter and are happy. Well till next time.

Love, Kathlynn Marie Sicam Alba<3

The Past Month

I hate not updating my blog in consistent periods of time because then when I look back at my past posts I know I'm going to be  wondering what in the hell I did between this and that date. -.-

So Geni's debut finally happened. I suppose all of the abuse from Michael and bitching from Geni was worth it. It was pretty fun and it felt so good nailing that dance with Michael. Geni's photobooth idea was sick too. They were sooo addicting. I ended up sleeping over night at the hotel and drank for the first time. I kind of wish I waited for my friends  and I to do it all together though. After all, apparently it's best to drink with your best friends for the first time. The only real downside was that I lost the eyeliner my sister gave me for my birthday. ))): And it was like twenty bucks and some. D: I'm glad I got to do a debut before Nay's at least so that I know what I'm getting myself into the next couple months. I'm super excited for hers since my best friends are gonna be in it. [:

UC and CalState apps were do at the end of October. I'm really praying for UCSD. >.< I haven't decided if I still want to apply to USC. :/

The Winter Choir Concert was a complete success! I mean aside from "okay" performances by Senior Chorus and Junior Choir, the concert went pretty good. It feels so good to say that I was the president that got over 650 people to come to the choir concert. Yeah, that's never been happened before. Of course it wouldn't have happened without Michelle, Nadine, and a bunch of other people. Going through this period of utter stress made me see the lack of chemistry Michelle and I have as VP and President. She said some hurtful words about choir that I don't understand a VP, let alone one of my best friends, could be saying. I was thinking about confronting her about it, but it ended up not happening and we were cool again. I just hope that something like this doesn't happen again and I don't end up saying things I'll regret.

Oh, speaking of choir, Jun is leaving for Korea during break so tomorrow (if I see him at all) will technically be the last day I see him. I really do regret not becoming friends with him. It'd be cool having a friend from another country. I'm such a pussy. ):

 Patricia got me into this really cool English (yes from England) teen drama called "Skins." It has some pretty hot boys and even though the story lines have been done before, the way it's presented is entirely different from American shows. 1.) There's no censorship in England apparently so you've got boobs popping out every now and then. 2.) They use the word "fuck" in pretty much every sentence of the episodes, WITHOUT making it seem overly used. 3.) The accents are incredibly enticing, especially from British hottie, Nicholas Hoult (: 4.) The situations, albeit a bit far-fetched and harsh, are understandable. Yeah, even with the sex, drugs, and alcohol. I find myself saying, "This really does happen," unlike shows from the US. 5.) Yes, it is basically like Degrassi, except on E. I totally recommend you watch it. [:

I hate Journalism. I mean, I love it in that sense that I do have some passion for writing, but I'm so sick of the lack of motivation coming from the whole staff. Of course I'm thankful to Jennifer, David and Gerson and those that stay after and help and stuff, but putting together a paper (WITH NICE LAYOUT. NO HALF-ASSING!) is time-consuming and missing my choir party was the last straw. I know I'm layout editor and it's my job, but it sucks doing all this shit when Nicole, Managing Editor, sits back and laughs at Aaron's jokes or whatever. And the nerve of her to tell the class that they should be going out there getting their own info and stuff when she asks me to get quotes from Ms. Lee. Like, what the fuck Nicole. I think I'm avoiding her. And I think it's because I feel like I might blow up at her face and I don't want that to happen. ): Jennifer really cares about the paper, but she leans more towards the half-ass side in layout and content. Ugh, it's so frustrating because I remember last year when we would talk about how awesome it would be to leading journalism because we finally get to do it our way. Apparently to Nicole, that means taking advantage of her spot as managing editor and using her excuse of not knowing how to use computers as a way to get out of doing any work. Ugh, I don't know I'm just so frustrated with Journalism. I freaking missed the last bonding time with choir before winter break. Arghhh!

I'm sick of all the SCO drama and arguing and telling people to shut up and giving out strikes like free laker tickets and the fact I didn't get a white elephant present because Natalie took my $15 AE gift card because Nicole (AGAIN!) brought two gifts and fucked up the cycle, but it's all worth it when I get to finally see the unity in my class. I remember when everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, was so defiant of 2010. They hated the name 2010 (As if we could help the year we graduate. -.-). They hated our posters. They hated that we kept losing. They basically hated everything at the beginning of Junior year. Then JDD happened and it was success. Then Dustbowl happened and we won. I just want to say that I've stuck by my class through thick and thin man and as much as I was hoping the Alamedians would be chose, we really are the Aristonians. The Best Ones. Winning the Christmas Tree Decorating contest was fucking great. [:

I think my favorite class is English because I sit next to Michelle J, Nay, and Cass, but also because I love our discussions on what we read. Being in that class is so intellectually-stimulating as oppose to Kobaissi's dumb IQ-sucking class that I hold with contempt. I feel like I get to really open my opinions and ideas in Kronish's class. It's pretty awesome. [:

The class I have the most love/hate relationship with (Aside from Journalism) is Film Production/Stage Design. I took it to fill up my tech requirement instead of Flash or taking it at a CC. I love mostly the whole idea of making our own movies with Malmed basically giving us a blank slate to work with and acting out play scenes since it was something I've been interested in for a long time, but never actually had the balls to pursue it. But when Malmed makes us write reflections on old movies (which I also enjoy thanks to Kyle!), I find it so pointless. The class is an elective and we're already doing a lot of pretty different creative thinking going on. Writing short essays makes the class so much less appealing. Anyway, Cassie and I were assigned a silent video project to do and it turned out awesome. We used my sexy HD camcorder and had Jason as our male role and Cassie as the leading lady. I love how Wong Fu and just a bunch of people that I've been interested in have changed me a little.



Our next video, I want it to be on these Seniors (2 or 3) who talk about being friends for a long time then let some minor issue tear them apart but they eventually go back to talk to one another and stuff. It sounds lame when I explain it here, but I already have the scenes in my head. It looks pretty cool. [: I don't know if this newfound interest I have in film is a sign for anything I will be doing in college, but all I know is that I have a lot of fun doing it.

Oh. I wrote a futureme letter to myself a year ago and it should be e-mailed to me in a couple days. I really  don't remember the stuff I wrote. So I'm pretty excited to read it. (:

These are basically a couple things I wanted to talk about since I haven't blogged in a while. Winter Break officially starts at 3:05 PM tomorrow. Holla! [:

PS I'm sick of people using Twitter as their official bitch to the world engine. When I go on Twitter, I like reading funny or some sort of nice tweets, not "FML!" or "Fuck fuck fuck" or just complaining about petty problems. I mean I pretty much do it all the time in person, but letting other people read your constant shit attitude to the world is annoying.

PPS I want to use tumblr more!

Stalker Status

I've always believed I've had some strong personal attachment to people I either A.) am friends with, B.) extremely admire, or C.) have sparked an interest in me.

In this particular case, it's C.

My aunt was driving Sabrina and I to Ralph's the other day so we could buy some ice cream when she asked me, "Guess who added me on Facebook?"

Annoyed that she even has a facebook, I carelessly asked, "Who?"

"Miko."

Then major flashbacks hit me. AHA. My tita Gemma's ex-girlfriend had two kids, Miko and Martie. From what she says, Miko's mom was pretty crazy and my tita Gemma was the only father Miko ever knew. When my tita Gemma would babysit me, I'd go over to their house and play video games with him all day and when my parents watched over Miko, he'd even sleep over sometimes. Like we were realllly close. Up until I found out my aunt was a girl and not a boy, I really though Miko was my cousin.

Like, whatever happened to him? I'm so curious. After my aunt and her ex broke up, I didn't see him anymore. A few years ago, I remember Patricia and I found him on MySpace and I sent him a message, but he never replied. Which is why I think I'm afraid to add him for fear of him not remembering who I am because in truth he was a part of my childhood and I would want to know what had happened after we stopped talking. This is sort of irrelevant, but I'm starting to see a recurring theme of fear of rejection in my life and it's starting to block me from making crucial decisions!

My aunt was telling my how he doesn't even go to college because he's in bad terms with his mom (growing thing of when I knew him) and I think he's supporting himself with a job somehow. I don't know. But from what I remember of when we were younger, Miko's had a hard life. He never knew his dad, I think his mom beat him, and his brother was a douche. This is strictly from memory and what my aunt's told me (she's exaggerates a lot though).

So basically I've really been wanting to just talk to him. Ask him how's been and what high school was like or whatever. Lately I've kinda been wanting to just talk to anyone who won't judge me the way someone from school or my friend would. Like a stranger, or better ye,t someone I haven't talked to in so and so years. I think talking to Miko would give my pretty boring life something to talk about. Haha.

Oh and I just want to mention the fact that I think he's a little cute has nothing to do with wanting to talk to him. (I guesssss.)

On that note, I NEED WRITE TO MY PERSONAL STATEMENTS!

Star ng Pasko

 Go ahead. Call me a FOB.

I can't explain it. Ever since I came back from the Philippines almost a year ago, I cant help but think about the time I spent there from time to time.

How much I miss the family and friends I made there. The life I had before I came to Eagle Rock.

This video pretty much sums up why I love the Philippines.

I just love this song. The hope, love, and peace Christmas brings. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Get a translation if you don't understand.

I seriously can't wait for Christmas break. [:

My week was so "hectic"!

The title of this post is supposed to be a pun on the use of the literal term of hectic and the Australian slang us of it. Ho ho ho. I am so clever. :3

Anyway, I had such a busy busy week. I went to a Laker game on Tuesday, the ACT NOW benefit concert on Wednesday, and Homecoming was on Friday. I barely had any sleep that whole week. There were a couple of in between stuff, but I'm too lazy too mention. I feel the need to mention, however, that my membership within SCO was in jeopardy for like five minutes. It was so retarded. -.- If I was to be kicked out due to church and the fact that I'm president I wouldn't have even given a damn at th at that point.

The Laker game was crazy! Such a huge sea of yellow and gold with a tinge of purple in the seats. I have to admit though, during the time-outs and quarter breaks I was falling asleep. >.< Let me tell you, if you wanna go to a game, make sure you bring at least thirty bucks with you. Fifty if you want to buy some sort of Laker souvenir. It's motherfucking expensive.

The ACT NOW benefit concert was better than I expected. I can't believe I got to work backstage and meet all the talent! I was in charge of the green room and giving wristbands to all the performers and their guests. I got to meet FM again (Every time I meet them, they become so much more appealing), then there was Kaba Modern, Baby Bash, Frankie J (OMG), Dante Basco (OMFG!!), etc. I wish I got a picture with Frankie J ): I was practically the only screaming in the crowd so he kept looking at me when he was singing so it was as if he was serenading me. :D Dante is freaking hilarious. His personality is just as how I imagined it if not nicer! It was definitely a great experience. I got to get to know Stephanie more. And Arianne too! (:

My last Homecoming of high school was pretty great too. The DJ was freaking whack, playing all the rave songs -.-, but the people I danced with made it worth it! (: CJ will forever be my homecoming dance partner. (: We could've totally kept going. Ahaha! Afterwards we crashed at my place. I didn't sleep till five or six.

So Halloween was my Tito Louis' funeral. The only memories I have of him are the smoking and karaoke ones. To be honest, I never really liked him because he was so weird, most likely due to his drug problem, but I was bawling when people went up to talk about him. He has two sisters and both his parents are alive. The grandma was crying so much. I mean to live longer than your child has? Especially when your kid's death could've been prevented? Oh man. When his sisters talked, all they could say was how guilty they felt for pushing him away when he would reach out to them and they didn't appreciate him enough and that they focused too much on the negative rather than the positive. All of the cousins were talking about doing drugs when they were younger (including my dad I think >.<) and how most of them stopped as they got older aside from a few. My Tito Bong used to do a lot of drugs, but then he had a stroke and it resulted with him being handicapped. a lot of the aunts stressed how Tito Louis and Bong are prime examples of how we shouldn't waste our lives on those things. I for one am pretty positive I'll never take drugs in my life that's for sure. The whole thing was rather heartbreaking. His death taught me a really good lesson though. We shouldn't let our hatred over petty fights bring rifts to those we love. I just hope I remember it if ever it comes to that.

For Halloween, Tata, Jek, Beng, and I went trick-or-treating on Hill drive. It was pretty lame. Not much good candy was passed out nor did anyone decorate their house a whole lot. The thing I was so upset about was that I didn't get to hang out with Michael Domingo before he left. I mean I thought it was pretty clear we'd call to let each other know what we were doing, but when I texted Michelle or Nadine, no one replied. Turns out all they did was chill at Michelle's. Thanks for telling me guys. -.- I told Nay I was with my cousins, but I did want to at least say goodbye to Michael Domingo in person. It's not just Michael either. I thought it was tradition to trick-or-treat, or at the very least hang out on Halloween. You'd think it would be possible too what with it being on a Saturday, but I supposed not.  I guess I'm just pissed that no one took into consideration that I might have wanted to hang out with them. I still didn't get a text back.

Well it's two in the morning and I have yet to study for my chapter three psych test. It's kind of really sad how I don't care for that class. Like at all. Time for my one of my favorite things to do: sleep!

What the hell now?

I've had probably a total of six hours the past two days. I went to the opening Laker game and got home really later and then I went to the ACT NOW benefit concert last night in Hollywood. It was freaking tiring, but soooo worth it.

Patricia and I were volunteering and Renina, Stephanie's cousin and girl in charge, told me that I would be stationed at the Green Room, where all the talent would stay in to get ready for their performances. I was so pumped to see Frankie J, Baby Bash, Dante Basco, and Far East Movement! Dante Basco is just soo freaking dope. He really knows how to talk to people. Ahaha. And Frankie J's voice is like a God send.

Working the the entire night was so hectic. The kind of lifestyles these people live are just so fascinating to me. They just look so glamorous and the way they just look like they know what they're doing amazes me. So I think I really want to go into that sort of business. I don't yet though. There's a bunch of shady stuff that goes on there, but it's just so interesting to me.

We had our Halloween skit today and my God is SCO so lame this year. I think the only reason I'm really on it is for college apps. I mean I love the Aristonians, Class of 2010, Seniors to death, but SCO is just such a pain in the ass. It's just not as fun as JCO. I admit, Carolyn didn't do much as president, but at least we did a great job WHILE still having fun. It's just not a top priority right now.

In Kronish's class, we're writing up personal statements and while I know what I want to write about, it's so fucking hard making up an intro. I'm having serious writer's block. I have this gut feeling it's going to be awesome in the end, I can't seem to find my way there.

I need to talk about this. Just everything. Before, now, and after. Whatever comes to mind.

I really hope I get to spend my weekend with my friends.

17

Yet another year has come to celebrate my birthday and I have never been not so excited. I really wanted to go to Disneyland, but I guess that's not happening. Just eating dinner with the family.

This is the first time in seven years I haven't had a birthday party. As much as I'd love to have one, I don't think I can go through the hassle of throwing one like last year's. Oh God, the drama.

My real birthday wish was a dog. I got Beatles Rockband instead. Yeah, totally not the same. I was really hoping they'd consider it at least.

The Twins' are throwing a Halloween party on Friday and I was invited. But no. My sister won't let me. How bogus is that. What if I want to go? It's not like I'm overstepping my boundaries since I was invited, right?

I actually need to get a lot of things off my chest. I'll vent when it's not so early in the morning.

I pray to God I have a good day at school today.

Awkwaaard

My mother got into this whole $3000 Rainbow vacuum business. Every time there's a raffle they win something and today they got a blue-ray DVD player. If she does another three demos and gets a sale, we get a PS3! It sounds cool, but now she wants me to ask Patricia and Nadine if we can do a demo at their house. -.- Wtf, man. I remember mentioning it to Tito Miguel and he said he didn't believe in it. So, no thanks mom. I still hope we get that PS3 somehow.

I have yet to start my hw. I think I'm gonna sleep though. I'm unbelievably lazy right now. Jennifer took my flash drive so that she  could get our badges printed out, but I needed it for my article. ): I'm writing an article on how kids can't survive without their phones. Kinda sad, but my voice needs to be heard!

College Apps. Scholarships. Financial Aid. CRAPPPP.

One of these days  man I just need to sit on my ass and write personal statements, answer questions, and the list goes on. Hmph. This'll be a long year.

Driving

I think if anything, I'll probably die from a car accident (KNOCK ON WOOD!!). I almost got in an accident today. Which lead to my dad yelling at me. -_______- I can take my mom yelling at me, but when my dad does it, I get ten times more disappointed with myself.

I don't ever want to drive again with my parents. It's such a hassle hearing the same shit over and over and the moral of the story? I SUCK AT DRIVING.

My mom just entered the room telling me that my dad's crying because he thought we were gonna die.

WOW. Such motivation for me to continue driving. -.-

P.S. I'm annoyed at how my blog is apparently invisible to my friends. I'd like for them to read what I blog about. ):

The Good and the Bad

So after ISA, I've just been absolutely obsessed with FM, KevJumba, and the Wong Fu boys. Ugh, I just really want to make some videos like really bad. It just seems sooo much fun. Keyword is FUN. Something I'm in dire need of.

There are actually a bunch of things I want to talk about. So this might be another random but thoughtful blogging day for me.

I went to the ABDC finale taping with Patricia, Francesca, and her boyfriend. CJ and Arling were there too. I wish I watched the season so I wouldn't have been so unenthusiastic about the whole thing.Trish and I was only really excited for Quest Crew and the master mix of GOTDF that three of the crews were gonna dance for. Omfg, if only I snuck in a camera. If only if only. ): I got to hug Hok, Hirano, Steve, and Affion Crockett though. :D

So senior year. So far it's really... okay. Honestly, I rarely find myself pumped for any of the events. Like SCO, I totally want to be there, but at the same time I don't get that family feeling I got from JCO last year. -.- Hopefully it'll hit me soon because I feel like I'm totally slacking in that department. ): Anyway, I'm really determined to do my best academically even though I haven't proved it much yet. College Apps, getting into schools, and what my major has been are all that's flooding my mind recently. Muy serioso. I feel so distant to some of my friends. Like Nicole and Michael. I miss them a whole mess, but it's not like there making much the effort either. I'm leaving it at that. As for my last year in high school in general, the one that I'm supposed to make the most out of, which I'm planning to what with the Bio trip and DCON and what not, but I'm finding myself totally looking forward into the future. As in after High School. I'm totally anticipating what dorming (which I'm really hoping for), turning 18, and traveling will be like. I'm really looking forward to Homecoming though. (: Not that I expect it to be better than last year's, but I just want to dance so bad. Aha.

I've been really thinking about college (AGAIN) and as much as I think going to an East Coast school would be crazy, it's just so out of reach with my friends and family and definitely out of range money-wise. So I'm really hoping for UCSD or UCI. As for my major, it still draws a blank. I'm hoping some serious inspiration hits me fast. ): Would it be too optimistic to apply to Yale on the Questbridge scholarship? It's not impossible right? It is. Oh thanks.

My sister moved out to live in an apartment in Irvine recently. I think this separation is really healthy for our relationship. It helps me appreciate her existence more. Aha, but she came back from her birthday trip in Vegas on Sunday. (I totally forgot to make her a card. SHIT!) A lot of stuff have been happening with her and her friends, but she has these certain friends that had her back though. I find that absolutely amazing. I'm really praying to God I still have them four years from now, for our first trip to Vegas when we hit the big 2-1. We've stuck by each other this long. What's a couple more years, right?

My first monthly choir meeting was on Saturday at 7 in the morning. It was pretty informative, especially the part of me sucking at being president. -____- Ahh. I just really hope for a good year in choir. Jun joined<3 One more step towards my goal. AHA! Kidding.

I ran errands with my sister for about two hours or so today. It was fun. I got some Rosegreen. (: Afterwards Beng stayed with me at home. Matt came a bit afterwards and they were hugging all up under my blanket. D: I admit it makes me feel uncomfortable when they act like that especially in my room, on my bed, but I didn't want to say anything to prevent it from becoming awkward. I hate that. D: It was funny though because I went outside to watch TV and right then Sabrina's parents are coming up the stairs and so I run to tell Sab and matt and we're all freaking out for like two minutes. It was kinda weird, but no yelling or why-is-there-a-boy-here angry looks. Aha. Then Sab left. ): Then Matt and I talked for a bit. I think he's my Carlo. [x Afterwards  Michelle came and her, matt, and I baked cookies, accomplished choir duties, and watched Wong Fu videos<3 I'm assimilating Matt into my YouTube ways. Haha(: So overall today was fun. I have yet to start my hw though. D: So much for being academically on top.

Disneyland on Friday for Trish's birthday! :D I'm really crossing my fingers we get to eat at the Blue Bayou for my own selfish reasons. D: Aha, kidding. We all really want to go there.

It's less than a month till my birthday and I have yet to start on my birthday wishlist. D: Aha. I just tweeted that.

Right at this very moment, I want everything to be over with. School. Clubs. Confirmation.

I wish I could see a year into the future and realize that I don't have to be worried of all those insecurities, doubts, and problems that seem to be making me miserable these past couple of days.

Tired

Why do I feel so disconnected from everyone recently?

Retreat didn't allow me to vent like how I originally planned.

I feel like just writing all my feelings out. But I know if I do, it won't make sense. I need it to make sense, otherwise it would have been pointless. I'm pretty sure if I do, it would be a novel of complete nonsense mumbo jumbo.

Patricia's birthday is coming up. I need to get her a present.

The Before, During, and After

School started last week. I'm not sure why, but I think this is the first year that I can actually grasp what grade I'm in, which is weird since I'm a Senior. School is so and so. I'm freaking upset they didn't have AP Physics. And what sucks even more I can't take up an AP math course because it conflicts with Journalism. -.- What retard made math available only for 4th period?! UGH.

Anyway, Thursday I went to an ABDC taping with Patricia and Michelle. My mom was already iffy about letting me go because school started, but I told her I'd be home around 9, so she gave the okay. Phones are a no-no, so I texted her I'd call her when it was over. The taping ended longer than said, around 10:30, and when I checked my phone it read 9 missed calls and 8 texts from my mom. I knew I was gonna get it when I got home. My mom seriously freaked out. She went all domestic violent on me, which she hasn't done in a while so it was kind of shocking. The thing that got me was that I cried. Usually when we fight I let it go like it was a fluke or whatever, but I when my mom told me I was lying, I felt so horrible. I don't lie to my mom, I have no reason to. So before going on retreat, I typed up this long e-mail to her. We're at a better understanding not at least.

This weekend was Leader's Retreat. And I have to say, it's not much what I expected. If I can sum up that whole retreat in one word, it would be DRAMA. Left and right, something was happening. It was as if there wasn't a moment I could have just had fun. I regret not making much more of an effort to talk to the first year kids the first night and during free time. SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT A GAME! D; It's going to make getting closer to them now so much harder. I think Roanne is my favorite first year leader so far though(:

Mark's shirt is pretty dope. I think I like it more than last year's. That one kind of had a lot of words. I'm absolutely happy choir is on again, I love it(:

Then Geni's debut practice right after church. Michael and I have both steps for the waltz and swing down, but our swing apparently sucks because we just dance and don't go with the rhythm. Ugh, man the choreographer makes me feel so dumb, like I drop 10 IQ points every time we have practice.

School tomorrow. Oh, I also might be transferring into this film production class with Cassie. I'm kind of excited, but at the same time I hope it doesn't suck. Oh well, Wong Fu started somewhere too. UCSD. PFFT! -____-'

At some point, I may be hypocritical for saying this, but ignorant people disgust me.

I'll elaborate later. >_>

Dance Like Michael Jackson... to the Beat!

I pause every couple chapters on my assignment to surf the web. I've been listening to FM's Animal album since seven this morning and the verse that Prohgress and J-Splif came up with from Dance like Michael Jackson is so genius. I love it.  

Deep breath and I’m ready for action, Dance Like Michael Jackson…
I Don’t Stop, cuz I’m the King Of Pop, spin around and I grab my crotch
Just move to the rhythm, I’m looking at the Man In The Mirror
and he’s looking right back, i got one thing to ask… Who’s Bad?
You can’t do it like me, break it down to the ABC’S
Bad to the bone, grab the phone,
I’m a Smooth Criminal, You Are Not Alone.
It don’t matter if your Black Or White,
Everybody get down when I’m on the mic, and the party
Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough
Cuz the FAR EAST MOVEMENT is DANGEROUS

The video's pretty tight too. Not to mention it was produced by Wong Fu and had Quest Crew in it<3

Also, I'm reading Wong Fu's blog right now. They're so cool. >.<

Okay, back to the books!

Nala

One year ago yesterday, Nala died.

Sometimes when I come home late at night, and I'm not really thinking, I expect her to come running towards me when I open the door. But it's dead quiet when I step in.

I wish I had her for a couple more years.

I've been kinda wanting to ask my parents for a new dog. I just don't know how to bring it up. Maybe Christmas?

I'm an International Secret Agent!

Last thursday was the jerking episode of ABDC and it was a total fail. Ahaha, watching the show I mean, the day wasn't. After the last day of choir camp [I made president , btw >_<] I went to Patricia's house to get ready for ABDC. We got to the place around five and waited for like two hours only to be told we wouldn't make the show. It wasn't such a loss though because Patricia, Francesca, and I went to eat at Noodle World and take cues. Two of things I've been waiting to do for God knows how long. We went to Yogurtland afterwards and I backed out of their car. x] That was... interesting to say the least. So Thursday NOT WASTED!

So if any of you guys are following me on twitter, I'm extremely sorry for blowing up your timeline last Saturday. There was a contest by ISA for two people to win the last VIP tickets to their concert. And I desperately wanted those tickets. So from nine o'clock that morning to ten that night, I tweeted my heart out that I'd get those tickets. And guess what? I got them. [:

It was so upsetting though because the other girl that won, tweeted oh about twenty times while I was updating literally every ten minutes. -____- But in the end I won a VIP ticket for free no less, so I'm happy. 

There was this one girl, Karen, who posted her number up on twitter and so Wong Fu and KevJumba called her up and gave her another VIP ticket. She didn't have anyone to hang with and since I sold her my other ticket, she hung out with us. She was cool, a little obnoxious at times, but you could tell she makes friends easily.

There was a little trouble with our tickets because our names weren't on Willcall, but Tom Ngo sorted it out. He remembered my name from twitter! >.<>

Anyway, the concert was AMAZING. I swear, Far East Movement is so awesome live. And they're just generally really nice people so it's like twice as amazing to see them. Omfg, my heart literally goes out to Quest Crew. If only I could've gotten a picture with D-Trix): I love watching dancers and their faces when they perform. GLP was freaking great too. They're intro was Power Rangers. Haha, priceless. And Wong Fu is funny. Like seriously, I love them<3

Next year, I seriously want backstage tickets. If that doesn't work though, I need to get pit. Like seriously!

Watching Wong Fu videos and basically seeing the whole concert has made me realize how much I want to do these kinds of things. I mean, I'm always for making videos and stuff, but I never go the extra mile to do so. But I really I think being famous on YouTube is so cool. Like, I think I'd be more excited to meet Wong Fu again than... let's say Miley Cyrus. I think I really want to start trying to make videos though. I'm not camera shy and I can be pretty witty sometimes. I think at least. I just wished I went to that film making workshop with Trish and Michelle so I could have seen how the process really works. Gah. >.<>

It was definitely a great way to end summer. Coming up: Senior Year! Definitely some mixed up emotions for that.

I have school in less than 48 hours and I haven't even finished the How to Read Literature Like a Professor. I'm going to be at home for the two days. Ugh, shoot me. );

Concert Choir President

So I'm pretty sure I'm concert choir president. I think? Ms. Lee doesn't seem so definite in that decision, unfortunately. I feel like she keeps making up excuses to make me NOT president. So I was late more than a couple times last year. It's not like my failure to attend class on time affected me in the long run. And it makes me upset that she didn't automatically make me president. It's not like I expected her to hand it to me, but I thought it was pretty clear I wanted it most and I don't believe I've done something so horrible to make her doubt my dedication to choir. Unless, leaving for the Philippines and missing the Winter Concert counts. I'd do a great job as president. I only had four freaking years learning the ropes. I guess it just makes me mad because I feel like I deserve it most and even till now I'm technically not guaranteed the title yet. -.-

Another thing. Sabrina's in choir now. And as happy as I am she's in it, I'm so sure her joining is just another thing to add to the list of what she does better than me. I hate being in a family where the adults categorize the kids in the "manners," "smarts," and "looks" department. Everything is a competition in that family. Hell, we even try to one up each other with birthday cards. It would be so much more easier if me and Sab hated each other, but we're each other's best friend. She's the only person that comes to mind who would jump at the chance to watch classic Disney movies with me. She knows exactly how weird I can be when I'm hyper to the max. The only person who understands the pressures of being in my family. Which is why I hate that I'm hesitating to be happy at the fact she's in choir.

Sabrina played the goody girl, while I played the funny one. When we'd have to make speeches at family parties Sab would make this adorable talk while I cracked a couple jokes in my dialogue. Sab always got the better grades, she had the pretty hair, she can dance her butt off, and carry one hell of a tune. While my grades were decent, my hair described as messy at best, no talent at grooving to the beat, I could at least hit all the right notes.  Singing was supposed to be my own special haven, the one thing I can show off in my family because she's not there to say I'm better. I think that's why I need to be choir president. Not even something to just put on my resumes. So I can secure my position as a very important person in choir. But gah. >.<

I'm overreacting. If anything, Sabrina being in choir will only make Senior year better. I'm being self-absorbed.

School's starting in like 8 days and I have yet to read more than half of the first out of three books I'm supposed to be reading. Not to mention the actual analyzing part. I am seriously lagging it.

At least ABDC and ISA are this week. I need to hit my last week off with a bang. And one more trip to Disneyland? If only I could fit in my homework somewhere in there. Ugh. Keeping my fngers crossed.

It's been exactly 32 days since I last blogged. And a lot has changed.

I don't know why, but the one thing I need constant in my life is reassurance. That everything will be okay. I realize everyone needs this, but I feel I'm more aware of it than others. 

I don't know why, but when I don't talk to people for a while the worry meter in the back of my head starts going off. And I hate how needy that makes me sound. Like I need my friends to tell me they need me so that I can go to sleep at night. 

I don't know why, but I'm kind of insecure. And I hate that I know it.

The thing is, I have no problem with being confident around people. It's around my friends where my insecurities grow. Which is completely ironic, considering your friends are supposed to love you for who you are despite your faults.

But that's probably why my insecurities get to me then. Because they're the ones I'm scared of losing most. 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but lately all I can think about is what my friends think of me. Like I'm being judged everytime we hang out. Which is stupid, stupid, stupid, because there's no reason for them to judge me. Even though I shouldn't feel that way, I just wish I didn't have to hold myself back sometimes.

I feel like everything is just so complicated. Like, we can't hang out and act stupid like we used to. I miss when we would make lame videos and when watching anime was all we did. I think that's why I'm still hoping we go camping. Because really, that weekend was just all about having fun like there wasn't anything to care about. Even though that was the summer, Nadine's parents found out about her having a girlfriend.

I always find myself amazed at how much has changed in a couple of months. I'm one of those people who clings as much as she can to how things used to be instead of embracing the new.

I'm sick of trying to please people who don't even deserve it. 

I'm pretty much going off tangent now, but I just wish this summer didn't have to end like this.

I wish I didn't read too much into things.