Same old, same old.

I haven't typed up a venting session or personal blog in a very long time so I hope this doesn't come out awkward or anything.

So I guess I'll start out with Sabrina's birthday. I love Sabrina. She's my best friend and she's a good person and she's lovable and just about every other positive quality out there. And I know there shouldn't even be a comparison when it comes to the both of us because we're two completely separate people, but it's hard to forget how perfect she is when it's shoved in my face all the time. Her party last night was like a huge billboard sign reminding me how much of a black sheep I am. I can only thank God we weren't in the same grade. Whenever I imagine us being in the same grade, I think about how everyone already loves her more and instead of my friends being her friends it would be me being friends with her friends. I hope that makes sense. Not that that makes much of a difference with my friends now. I mean, the only people who really know how insecure I am about my family are Nadine, Patricia, and CJ. Although, CJ forgets most of the time. Anyway, I hate hearing from my so called friends that Sabrina or my sister are their favorite "Sicams." It's pretty much a huge slap to my face. Why are you friends with me when you obviously like them more? I don't know why I have such a hard time verbalizing my discomfort when they say things like this. I wish I could just be upfront and release my frustration that you should just hang out with them and not me, but then that would make me vulnerable. That would make me sensitive. But I'm not being sensitive, right? I have a right to be angry, right?

Lately, I've been really on edge with Michael. I mean we fight all the time, but lately it's been getting unbearable. And it's so stupid to be fighting with your best friend. Like, I find it completely unnecessary. But Michael makes me feel like complete shit sometimes. And your best friend shouldn't make you feel like that, right? So why do I let him get away with it? Especially when I'm driving and he starts an argument. I'd totally be like, "Get out of the fucking car you're pissing me off." But I know he would really do it instead of apologizing. And it would just be, as I've said before, completely fucking unnecessary. I love him to death, but sometimes I wish he would give me a little credit.

What I really hate the most though is how comfortable my sister is talking shit to my face in front of my "friends" and them being completely okay with it. More than okay. Actually siding with her. It hurts my fucking feelings and I hate admitting that. I think what makes me really sad is how much I always listen to her but when it's something I feel strongly about she'll either brush it off or make it seem like I should have done something else. Anyway last night when my Tita Edith was talking about how Beng was 8th in her class and drill captain and all of this, and when my sister was the emcee and she's just so great at everything and crying during her candle speech, I really felt it. Like I didn't belong. Like somehow I ended up randomly being placed into that family, like Beng and Ate really should have been sisters and I placed into some other family that I would make more sense in. I know my debut was only a month or so ago, but even within that short time gap I couldn't remember being that loved. And I know I'm totally talking out of my ass because my friends really did make that weekend fucking amazing and that I really am loved by my family. But it's the unconditional kind of love, that my family has to love me regardless. I know people are joking when they say, "Where did you come from?" or other stuff like that, but I ask myself the same question all the time. It's just so hard being a part of a family that has so many expectations from you. And fuck that bullshit about it doesn't matter where you go and what you do as long as you make it because it does matter. In my family at least, if you don't want people to talk shit. Which I shouldn't care about, but I do. I've known this forever, but whenever I think about it I always have to talk my feelings out. Knowing I'm always gonna be two steps behind my sister and Sabrina. And when I can't turn to family, I should have my friends, right? Right. I just need a little reassurance.

I miss Small Shot

Dear Mary,

Here is your long awaited message and I hope it's a good one.

In some way, I'm writing this sort of as a blog, but during school when I felt like I couldn't tell Patricia or Nadine or any of them this kind of stuff, talking to you was the next best thing. So if it seems like I'm talking to myself, that's why. Haha. (:

Summer is truly a short time to do any of the things we've always anticipated to do. Aside from everyone else's schedules, the lazy summer days just get to us and we like to go with the flow. As much fun as I'm having, it still hasn't hit me we're all going our separate ways. It was only a month ago I was reassuring myself that I'll be friends with these people (7 pieces of 8 minus Cassie kind of) for the rest of my life. And it was only the day after graduation Patricia and Michelle pretty much stopped acknowledging each other. I feel completely helpless about this. As best friends we should be able to try to understand each other's points of view rather than disregard them. How can I have let this go this far that Patricia and Michelle stop talking? Sometimes I want to tell them how ridiculous they have been behaving, but I'm afraid it'll only upset them even more. Resulting in me being two friends less. Thus destroying the circle of friends I'd only really cry over.

This in turn, has also made me realize that high school was just that. High school. The rest of the years to come are the true tests of friendship. And I'm seriously afraid of the results. In all honesty, with you goes actually leaving and getting out of LA, I feel like I'm being left behind.

Most of my summer time every year has been spent with you guys, but this year is definitely different. You're in the Philippines right now and when you're in our country you live a good hour and a half away; Michelle Li spends time with family and the Asians; Michelle J has Michael and Adnan and stuff; Patricia stays at home or hangs with Susan and Irene and them; and then Nay and I hang out a lot with Michael, Chris, and Davis. It's weird. I really really need to hang out with Small Shot.

I really thought that since this was our last summer, we'd make an even greater effort to do everything we've always wanted to do, but in all honestly if anything, this summer has only taught us how to learn to be apart. I rely on my friends for everything, but everyone's just going there own ways. Patricia and Michelle don't even care than after this summer if they don't reconcile whatever the hell they're arguing about they might not talk for like ever. They haven't even written their yearbook inserts to each other. How sad is that? A friendship almost a decade long, just thrown away. It's fucking tragic.

Okay okay. I'm sorry for being fucking emo. Anyway, nothing really scandalous going on here. I wish I was having a summer fling with some super hot exotic foreign boy, but alas no. ): I miss you a lot, but I hope you're having a ton of in the Philippines! Don't waste your time there! Make sure you're making a bajillion of memories with all your family there because who knows when you'll see them next time right? (:

I love you, Mary, and I can't wait to hang out when you come back! :D

California Girls we're unforgettable

Okay, so apparently with my spontaneous summer schedule (Hooray for alliteration!) it's nearly impossible to blog (with worthy content! )every single day. So I suppose whenever I have a lingering thought or two is when I can make a post. Since it's quite often, I'm sure to have a ton of blogs to read over the years. And I want this summer to be as memorable as possible. I want this summer to count.

Summer started last week and I've been going out more than I have ever. I think it's the combination of me becoming older and the fact that I'll be attending PCC in the fall. I think my parents feel guilty about that. The first week of summer was basically debut practice in the morning and whatever the hell we could think of after. I ate so much shit that week because Nay would always buy us lunch. It was very chill and fun spending time with the court and we were all really enjoying it. I've been getting particularly close to Davis. I really like him, but when he fucking locks my phone it irritates me to no end. I think there's a point to where it's not fun anymore. That was like 10 disables ago. -_____-

Grad night was last thursday and it was soo much fun. Since Michelle is pretty much handicapped most of the time we got separated because Nadine, Patricia, and I wanted to stay and dance. D: I wish she stayed, but she has a thing about people touching her. Hah. Anyway it was really fun just dancing with my friends for like four hours straight. The only ride we rode was Space Mountain and geezus new high school graduates are fucking retarded. Pushing and shoving. Unhooking the chains. Creating fucking chaos. Ugh, I was not motivated to start anything seeing how I can go to Disneyland whenever, but people just lack any moral understanding anymore. It makes me sad. Anyway, Grad Nite was overall a very fucking good night.

I wish I didn't have to go to orientation afterwards since you know, it was pointless. Orientation opened my eyes to a lot of things though. I mean I mostly think it's because I was very exhausted to make friends, but I felt really out of place. I'm sure a ton of people felt the same way, but even when I made an effort to make my group laugh, I didn't receive the reaction I was hoping for. I was scared. What if, not only in college, but places where I don't know anyone, they won't get my jokes? Not being understood is everyone's fear I guess though so I shouldn't bitch about it.

This week was great too. I came home Monday finally after eating Noodle World with what was left of the court. Kay and Kamille were here. Kay's gotten soo chubby. They stayed till like midnight or so. Ate Joyce took me to buy some milk at Fresh & Easy and we ended up getting some yogurt at Yogurt Haven. We had a nice conversation.

Two midnight showings in a row: Eclipse and The Last Airbender. I'm just gonna stick with I loved the series a lot so watching the Live Action seemed like the right thing to do.

I went to Disneyland on Thursday with Nadine, CJ, Ria, Michael, and Chris. Ate and  Beng showed up later. World of Color was so beautiful, but I think I dig Fantasmic more, what with the whole storyline and all. But the whole intricacy of World of Color trips me out. How do people come up with that? It's seriously fucking pretty to watch. I'm glad I was between Michael and CJ. [: It felt soo right watching it with them. I need to see it with Sabrina and my sister still!

Friday ended as a good day, but I was pretty irritated the whole afternoon. Except when Michelle and Michael came to visit me. She bought me a book and it made me so happy! Then we watched Supernatural. When my parents finally came home they took me to LACC at 6 o'clock. The exhibit hall closes at 6!! And that was the whole reason I wanted to go to AX. -____- Being there though, I remembered how much fun it was to just goof around and be a total nerd. Sometimes I feel pressured to pretend I'm not into those types of things when I'm around Michael and them, but that's retarded. Why would I be friends with them if they didn't accept me the way I am, right? Anyway afterward, Patricia and I went to eat at Oiwake in Little Tokyo with Francesca and her friends. I can't fucking wait to go to a karaoke bar with my friends. I cannot forget the drunk tita who was grinding on anything that moved. Good fucking times. Sometimes being the sober one is fun. Only sometimes though haha. I wish I could've gone to the Exhibit hall and buy me some cute asian stuff. ]':

Yesterday was Nicole's graduation party and it was fun. The car ride with CJ, Michelle, Patricia, and Caroline was hilarious. Sometimes I don't like hanging out with Caroline because she's so blunt and tactless, but I forget how much fun she can be around when she's not being a bitch at least. We ate tacos and played Scattegories. Fuck, I love board games. :D Around 9 we left to visit Ryan at Walmart since it was his first day. It was sooo big so we split up to cover more ground. I felt so cocky finding him first. Haha, then afterwards we dropped Michelle off, picked up some boba at Noodle World, then got dropped off at home with Patricia. Around 2 though, Michael, Davis, and Steven come to my house smelling like smoke and buzzed. I was not happy. I mean, I love when they come over and stuff, but not like that. That was not cool. I went to bed around 4:30?

And here we are on fourth of July. I have a busy week ahead of me again. I like it that way. [: Going to watch some fireworks at Beng's house soon. Hooray for family!

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

1. If I could be anything I wanted to be, I’d really want to be an entertainer. Broadway or Disney Channel? Either one would be greaaat.
2. I love anything and everything Disney.
3. I am extremely sentimental so if we’ve had a moment, I guarantee I won’t be forgetting it anytime soon!
4. I still have my Pokémon card collection from when I was a kid. My Pokémon card are neatly categorized numerically in a pink binder while my energy and trainer cards are in a purple binder. I’m so close to finishing the first 150.
5. I pride myself in never intentionally stealing anything in my life because I know a lot of kids who do.
6. I believe my best physical feature are my nails.
7. I haven’t had my first kiss or boyfriend yet because I’m waiting for someone really special.
8. I want to date a lot of hot men of different ethnicity, but I know I’ll end up marrying a nice filipino boy.
9. I think my favorite video game will always be Kingdom Hearts.
10. I pretty much have a three second attention span so forgive me if I’ve ever lost track during our conversation.
11. When I don’t have a good book to read, I use the internet to read stories that aspiring authors post online. Fictionpress.net!
12. If I had the resources, I’d want to study abroad. The fact that there are so many places outside of California to discover is fascinating.
13. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up because I see myself doing so many different things.
14. I love to sing, but I hate that I sound like an little eight year old girl.
15. When I have children, I’m making them take karate and guitar lessons because I wasn’t able to when I was a kid.

These are indeed factual, but as for entertaining?… D:

This is supposed to be for tumblr, but I want to put it on my blogspot too. And on a side note,  blogging every single day is pretty hard when you go out a lot. >.<

Yay for change!

Something that really scares me is how fast someone's emotions can change.

I remember telling Nay that my mom lost her job. We were laughing about something when Nadine asked why I was so sad because of my tweet and in the midst of all the happiness, I started to cry.

So a couple weeks ago my mom got layed off. As a result of this I won't be a CSUF freshman this fall; I'm going to PCC. Which I think I'm fine with since I wasn't totally attached to Fullerton what with me being rejected practically to every school I applied to, but I honestly didn't think I'd end up going to a CC. I really saw myself going to SD or at least Irvine and living the college life, whatever the hell that means. But going to PCC makes sense. I have one parent making income while my sister's schooling is still being paid off. I can't afford going to Fullerton. I suppose the common thought of going to PCC equates going nowhere in life got to me. But I know this isn't true. IE. my sister (UCI), Ate Bran'd (UCLA), Ate Shan'l (UCSD). It's just... I seriously worked my ass off in high school. It sucks knowing I don't deserve this. I cried a lot. My parents are so wonderful. My dad is working double shifts and overtime so I can get my car (I NEED MY FUCKING LICENSE!). My mom asked if I hated her which was ridiculous because I can't hate someone who not only lost her job, but who said if I wanted to go to Fullerton, I could.

Hopefully going to PCC doesn't change my relationships, however. I still see myself being amazing friends with Small Shot and going to Disneyland with Team L and running errands with CJ. I'm an optimistic person and I won't let going to PCC and not a Cal State or UC bring me down. As long as I receive my degree and make big bucks in the future is all that matters. All I can hope for is that this is God's path for me for something bigger. I'm praying at least.

A LOT of things have happened since April 4 by the way aside from my mom losing her job.
 
Prom was everything I imagined and more. With FM, the photobooths, and the posters there, I really felt like I planned prom to be that amazing. I don't give a fuck if people bitched about anything, I had an amazing time. Eric Kim was a great date. After party was hella crackin'. I probably partied with a random bunch of group, but we all had a great time. I need to learn how to control my liquor intake though. I didn't throw up though. :D

I graduated high school. HOLY FUCK RIGHT?! It feels like only yesterday I was blogging on xanga about entering Eagle Rock for the first time as a scrub. I'm going to miss high school a lot. Eagle Rock high school is always gonna hold a special place in my heart. Fuck, those were some good six years. Patricia's going to Fullerton. Nay's going to SDSU. Michelle Li's going to SJSU. Michelle J's going to AAU. And Mary's going to the Marines. How fucking crazy is that? I've known these girls for soo long and we've stuck by each other since the beginning. I mean, aside from Michelle J. missing a few years, Nay going to Glendale for our freshman year, and Mary moving to Corona Junior and Senior year, we've all managed to still remain close. And for that I'm thankful. Not seeing their faces every day is going to be hard. Really hard. But knowing that they're there is something I will be able to look forward when we do finally hang out.

Nadine's debut was a fucking great weekend. I ate so much unhealthy shit that week. Our dances were mos def not the best, but her court was awesome. Spending that whole week with them after practices and what not was hella fun. Going to burbank to Buffalo Wild Wings, watching Toy Story 3, and taking cues was great. For every big event there needs to be a photobooth. It's just too much fun for everyone. (: And you can never get enough pictures. Haha! The first night at the hotel was fun. I always have fun drunk so when I hear about the KJ's in the morning I just remember having a good time. Had like three hours of sleep and went to Denny's. Pretty much chilled and bonded at the hotel the whole day. Then Patricia and I went to Nikole's debut. I make great candle speeches. [': I finally told Edward I liked him in high school. Suh-weet. We went back to the hotel and watch the Senior DVD. It was whatever. I am sooo peeved by mistakes in final productions. ): The it was Boys VS Girls Catchphrase and it was complete BULLSHIT that Ria and I lost!! D< Michael sucks at giving and answering clues! It was really fun though even if Jason and Michael can be big dicks sometimes. The Wiggles and Selena Gomez fucking cracked me up. I need a rematch STAT! Finished Monday eating at Noodle World with what was left of the court and getting me some taro smoothie w/ no boba. (:

I watched Eclipse with Nicole and Caroline a few hours ago and I liked it. It's made me miss reading. I want new books sooo bad. D: Anyway, this has been an amazing start of summer and I need everything to flow this way till the end.

The Last Airbender tomorrow. Disneyland on Thursday. AX on Friday or Saturday. WHOO! Let's do this! (;

Blogging, I've missed you<3

Filipino Pride?

 

I’ve never head someone have no fucking clue about what he’s talking about. And this guy gets paid to have a fucking podcast?

I’m always encouraging freedom of speech and speaking your mind, but what that guy said was fucking ridiculous. How could you even have the fucking audacity to talk about not just a person, or an ethnicity, but a whole freaking country like that and act like you know what the fuck even goes on there?! Not fucking cool. Not even remotely in the right fucking mind.

I can’t believe that shit thinks he’s sending a point across by saying that. “How silently racist we all really are..” No shit. It’s practically natural to just say random shit about people like that, but you don’t fucking straight tell a black guy to get you some friend chicken or an Indian guy to get you free slurpees at 7-11, UNLESS YOU’RE A FUCKING DICK.

Am I overreacting? No fucking way! It’s my fucking home and I’m gonna fucking defend it from ignorant know-it-alls who actually don’t know shit motherfucking assholes like him.

Adam Carolla, if I ever get to meet this fucker I’ll be sure to plant a beautiful red mark on across your cheek and walk away.

I’d fucking rant more, but I think I’ve said enough fucks and shits today.

Dear Future Lover,

I’d love to think your name is extremely sexy and rolls off my tongue easily. Maybe something different and frequently mispronounced like mine. I’m hoping you’re at least a head taller than me to fit my five foot two height. No, I’m not writing this in order to define such words I hope you’ll be like. My real reason is to simply to say I’ll no longer be waiting for you.

It’s something I decided since I was little actually. That my first kiss would be my first boyfriend and we’d be together for a damn good long time. I’m in my Senior year of high school and I must admit the sick sweetness of being “in love” at this age or even just being with someone who you’re “exclusively dating” is pretty tempting.

This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on meeting you nor does it mean I’ll start dating any willing guy to make up for lost time. Rather, I’m not going to be so intent on finding you and let things fall into place themselves. Yeah, that’s it. Let fate take its course.

Let me just tell you I’m weird. I know I’m weird. I listen to foreign music, pretty much stalk people I’ll never talk to, and I’m so inexperienced with relationships. I haven’t so much even “talked” to boy. But don’t let that scare you off. I eat whatever and whenever I want; I like being active (except running!) and would play one-on-one with you anytime; and I sure do love a a good challenge, be it at mario kart or a plain old bet.

In the meantime, don’t worry about finding me. I have amazing friends, a loving huge family, and the self-respect to know I’ll be perfectly fine. Having you there would just make my life all the worth living.

So until we meet, keep doing your thing as will I. Just promise to not stop looking for me because I promise I’m right here. Keep your eyes open because I’m positive, just as everything else, we’ll meet when the time is absolutely right.

Love,

Kathlynn

How I Perceived My High School Relationship

Some of these can't even apply to me. Ahaha. I always imagined these different scenarios:

1. Childhood Friends - Most cliche I know, but I'm a sucker for them. However, I've moved around too much for this to have ever experienced this.
2. Cool Kid and Nerd Girl - Have you seen She's All That? Yeah, I would be Rachel Leigh Cook and he would be Freddie Prince Jr. This is my favorite I think.
3. Immediate Attraction - Pretty much love at first sight I guess. I'd look at him, he'd look at me and from there we would hit it off.
4. The New Kid - He or I would have been the new transfer student and we'd have a class together and right from the get go we had chemistry.
5. Enemies to Lovers - The storyline is basically you hate each other at first, but once you get to know each other, BAM. Instant chemistry.
6. Prince and the Pauper - HAH! Most unlikely from the bunch, but it was always nice to think some kind of miraculous occurrence would bring a celebrity to my doorstep and he falls in love with me. 

I know. What the fuck am I blogging about at 1:30 in the morning. I have no idea either. I have so many other things I should be thinking about right now. I'm thinking "fuck it" right now though.

Fuck fuck fuck

Faith has really taken a turn for the worst for me.

I didn't get into any UCs I applied to. LA, San Diego, and Irvine. All saying "they regret to inform me" that I will not be able to attend their school this year in the fall.

Did I just spend the past three and a half year of my life working my ass off for nothing? Please tell me it isn't true.

Part of me thinks it's some sick twisted joke some retarded show on MTV is gonna release later this year, but then that would be unprofessional and childish. No. The truth is I really got rejected to five out of the six schools I applied to.

I have seriously never felt my heart ache so much before. Not even when I liked Edward, my first heartbreak.

Community college or CS Fullerton?

So much for the college experience.

Tough Times

You know the sayings, "the glass is half empty or half full." I'd use one of those as my outlook on life right now, but somehow I'm stuck somewhere in between.

On one hand, I've always considered myself an optimist what with me having two perfectly good hands, arms, eyes, feet, etc. But on the other, there's all these problems with family and school. I really hate it. Shall I explain?

More than a month ago, my sister and I fought OVER MOTHERFUCKING text about something so unimportant I can't even recall all the details of why we were fighting. We both said a lot of nasty things though. things I'm sure we both regret saying. I'm pretty sure we're both over it (I am at least), but the only thing standing in our way is our damn big egos. I really miss telling her all my baggage though.

As for my parents, I don't know if it's just me being a brat or we really are getting on each other's nerves, but I snap so easily at my parents recently. It hurts me even more that I know I'm going to regret saying or doing whatever it is to my parents. I hate how independent I wish I was or want to be and yet all I really know how to do around the house is wash dishes and take out the trash. Even then I do it was disdain. All my parents really wanted me to do as a kid was study my ass off so I'd get a kickass education and not make an ass out of myself when I'm older.

Which brings me to why I fucking hate the UC system. Ugh, I feel like I totally just wasted $200 of my parent's money applying to schools that didn't even accept me. UCLA was one thing, since I really just did it "for the hell of it," but not getting into SD. Damn that hurt. I was really set on going there. I knew it was a hard school to get into, but fuck I really thought I had a chance getting in. Fuck my C's in school and that 1740 on my SATs. I didn't even get into SDSU. I feel like I totally fucked up on my application somehow. you know, maybe typed in caps "DON'T ACCEPT ME BECAUSE I WOULDN'T BENEFIT YOUR SCHOOL IN ANY WAY!!" or something like that. Really though, reading three rejections might have been too much for me to handle. That's why my only hope really is UCI. And I haven't heard from them in God knows how long.

Let me just firmly say that the UC system fucking sucks huge dick.

On a lighter note, going to retreat instead of Dustbowl was a fantastic choice. I got a lot closer to my kids, I felt good after doing my sharing, and I felt I spent my last confirmation retreat for a long time with some amazing people. I don't ever want to forget Nikole, Ashlee, Graham, Tiffany, John, Keith, Sofia, Sam, etc. Those kids are just too cool.

But it was also a bummer coming back to face three rejections. Really though, it was. I told my mom how I didn't want to go to school the following day and when she asked why I straight up told her, "I got three rejection letters." Then I started crying.

My mom's such a sweetheart. She went right into saying it was okay and trying to comfort me. Being the douche I am, however, I was giving her attitude about not getting into those schools and how I gave it my all (most of it anyway) and I was still rejected. It just doesn't make sense to me. I need to discuss this with my sister (if only I was talking to her.) I neeeeed to get into UCI. Like really bad.

I hate waiting patiently for something this important.

I should write my "white flag letter of apology" to my sister soon. Till next time.

It's been too long.

I realize I haven't blogged in forever and it sucks because I love documenting my life in all forms - both suckiness and awesomeness.

I have a lot of things to talk about though.

It's my dad's birthday today and I won't be able to spend much time with him because of Dustbowl practice and Confirmation. I really wanted to do Dustbowl this year too considering I probably won't have the chance to do this ever, but I think I'm making the right decision by going on retreat. To compensate for not going to the game I'm attending all the practices I can. The thing that bugs me the most is Michael. I really saw Michael as someone who had my back. But quitting on me as my co-leader and not even bothering to ask what's been going in my life. Not something best friends should be pulling.

Things at home are turning into shit. I haven't spoken to my sister in almost a month because of a stupid text fight. She said some pretty terrible stuff which is why I refuse to apologize to her. If anything, I'm fine reconciling that I'm over it, which I am in a sense. I'm not the type to hold grudges. If I don't care about something that happened a month ago, then I'm over it and we can be cool. Unfortunately, that doesn't apply to my sister. I really wish she didn't have such a huge ego. Maybe then I could have talked to her about all this shit that I've been thinking about.

I don't know if it's because I've been so busy lately or what not, but I'm always so damn moody when I come home. I rarely come home early anymore because of Dustbowl practice and all the other added responsibilities I have. They just keep coming and coming. But when I come home I'm just greeted with some ugly slap in the face, metaphorically speaking of course. When I'm at home I feel useless and unwanted, but when I'm out doing things, my parents make me feel like I need to be home rotting away. I hate all this family bonding crap they put on me about not spending enough time at home as if even when I am at home we actually do family things. Yeah, TFC definitely equals quality family time. I mean in a sense hell yeah, but not every effing day man.


Today, prom committee went to the Grove of Anaheim to go over everything and I got so excited. How I imagine prom is just absolutely amazing. I need a date still though. /: Anyway, the lady from the event group was so dope and we talked about internships and I really think I might be interested in doing it. She gets free tickets to concerts and there are a lot more benefits to her job. Not to mention I think I'd have a ton of fun doing it. She majored in business and marketing. But damn she told me to e-mail her at the end of this year about the internship. Hopefully it would'nt interfere with any road trips or other "last summer" plans. ):



I'm seriously tipping out due to my lack of acceptance letters aside from Fullerton and I don't think I want to go there. Maybe it's because I applied undeclared to all of my schools, but omfg the suspense it killing me.

Last thing. At the rate I'm going, I don't think I'll ever get my license. Thanks for trusting me on the road, Mama and Papa.

I want to go to Disneyland ASAP.

I haven't blogged on here in a while and it makes me sad because up till now, my blogs have been my only true release of what is really going on in my head. Other than my friends of course, but there's something about blogging that really just lets everything come out.

Well, the past few weeks have been a complete mixture of good and bad.

I finished my first semester of senior year with straight A's in all seven of my classes something I am indeed proud of. I think I'm the only senior with a full schedule. -.- Hopefully my rank boosted. I know it won't make a difference for college apps, but jut my own satisfaction I really hoped I bumped up a lot.

As far as senior year goes, I'm really realizing who I'm going to be able to stay friends with. It's depressing knowing that I believed at one point we could actually stay friends, but if we don't even talk so much now, then there's not much hope for the future is there? But then again, a lot can change in a few months so what the fuck do I know?

I know I'm completely wrong when I say this, but I find high school pointless, now. I just want to sleep in all my classes. I want to know what colleges I got into already. I want pretty much everything to be over with. Not in the sense I am over high school because I'm excited for Dustbowl, prom, grad night, etc., but all of the formalities and such are just too much of a hassle for me.

Home life isn't looking so good either. And with the increasing tension I feel at home, it only makes me wish college to come faster. The thing is I don't even get what in the fuck we're fighting about. It just blew up into this stupid text fight. LIKE ALWAYS.

All of these words of hurrying to get to the future are spilling out so quickly that I know I'll regret it once I'm there, but at this exact moment I couldn't wish for anything more.

I hate these times when I don't know what to do.

Sometimes

I wish I wasn’t so damn involved in so many activities/clubs/APs. From being choir president, spirit commissioner of key club, a confirmation leader, an SCO member, layout editor of the newspaper, and my school work, everything just gets sooo crazy sometimes. What if I hadn’t quit basketball? I miss it terribly sometimes, but I don’t think I’d be able to handle the workload.

Of course, I’d never regret taking any one of these spots because it’s who I am. I like to be involved. Hell, I don’t just like it; I love it.

But I would seriously love to just take a deep breath and enjoy what was happening. I was talking to Patricia about how last year choir was so fun because we weren’t the ones planning every single thing. Granted, this year’s choir is much successful performance-wise (sometimes) and getting people to actually come. But the two weeks prior to the concert, I could’ve been stabbed three times through the chest and I probably could care less.

I found out 2nd year retreat, Dustbowl, and the D3 benefit concert all fall under the same week. If only retreat was on the next weekend it would've been perfect. Finding this out seriously broke my heart and I wanted to just scream and complain and yell why the fuck  retreat had to be on the same day as  Dustbowl.  When I watched Dustbowl last year, I grew increasingly jealous as the girls on the field were having such a great time. I told myself I had to play next year. I can't pass up senior events like that again. And a chance to see FM perform again? Omg, no I can't miss it.

I really hope my sister will understand my missing Friday and Saturday morning of  retreat for this. It's not just me either. Michael, Patricia, Cassie, and Ashley don't want to miss Dustbowl. But I don't want to let my kids down either. I really don't want that.

I know the next couple months are gonna be so busy. I can already feel the tears coming out when I won’t get any sleep for two days trying to finish some paper or designing some flyer or making a concert program.

Senior year. Just please. Please be good to me.

6 More Months Till My Life Can Start

The title of this post gives off a kind of negative connotation towards how I perceive my high school life, but don't be mistaken. High school was a fucking blast. I made lifelong friends (technically in elementary, but you get the point), gained so much knowledge (from teachers yes, but not on the subjects they teach), and made incredible memories (HELL YES!).

But if there's anything I truly learned from high school it's that there's just this whole other world outside of the tiny town of Eagle Rock that I live in. There's just so much more I need to learn and experience and I want to do it already. I want to hop on the next plane to whatever city/country American Airlines will take me.

I've heard time and time again, "Don't be in such a hurry to grow up," and while I can already bet come June I'll be crying buckets about how it really is over, I can't help but get sick of this daily routine of attending pointless classes (FUCKING PSYCH), being surrounded by kids who I'm pretty sure have about 5% ambition (This obviously doesn't go for everyone, just a select few who don't know JACKSHIT), and repeat.

I think maybe it's because I have so many interests I want to consider when it comes to choosing my major for college that I'm so eager to try all the options I have that I feel this way. But yeah, this is pretty much what I've think about lately. What's going to happen in a couple months I guess. And so in approximately five months and ten days  I'll be walking the  at Oxy. The chapter of high school and Part One of my book will come to an end and Part Two and The College Years (Saved by the Bell!) will begin.

I already know I'm going to regret ever saying "I'm so over high school" because despite it being a measly four years of my life, they were a pretty damn good four years. So for now all I can hope for is a good next few months because I know it's all gonna happen in a blink of an eye.

The Year 2009

So 2009 is finally coming to an end. This year has been filled with... a lot of mixed emotions I guess. Ahaha. There's a lot of love and hate going on when I look back. A lot of staying a kid and growing up. A lot of trips to Disneyland. A lot of meeting new people. Experiencing my first love. And heartbreak I suppose. Applying to colleges. Just basically opening my eyes to what's to happen the next couple of months.

I feel a lot closer to my cousins this year. Mainly the Sicam side because well, I'm already close to my Alba side. I mean the Sicams are close, but this year I feel like we really made the effort to forget everything and just love each other. Because that's how it should be.

The other day I was thinking about the type of person I am and it really got me thinking about possible scenarios that may hold. For starters, I'm actually a very passive person. I mean I'm aggressive in the sense that I'll kick your ass if you do this, but not the initiator or serious type of stuff. I'll probably secretly hate you, but only because of that one time. I hate holding grudges or lingering from the past because the only thing you should be really doing is looking towards the future. And that's why I vow to never be the type of person to hold something against someone because who gives a shit now. I certainly wouldn't.

Along with the new year, I decided to tell that one guy my feelings since God knows. That I know nothing will happen, but for my own sake and sanity I really need to get it off my chest. Hah. I hope it doesn't get awkward. But you know that always happens. -.-

I should be getting ready to go to Disneyland, but I'll write a couple of my resolutions down.

1. Stop giving my parents such a hard time. My mom woke me up on New Years saying lecturing me on how I haven't done anything around the house and all I do is eat, sleep, poop, and go out. It sucked wake up to that, but it did make me feel bad so I guess it did it's job.
2. Get along more with my sister. I haven't spoken to my sister in two or three days due to this epic Twitter battle we had going on (She provoked it). Again. I let go quicker than she does, but her damn arrogant self makes it so hard to reconcile.
3. Help out around the house more. I'm fucking useless when it comes to chores and stuff. I need to start picking up my weight if I'm going to be living in a dorm when September comes rolling along.
4. Eat healthier (Less soda? No more sweets?). I don't remember the last time I ate a good solid meal. Enough said.
5. Learn my limits (In all aspects I suppose. HAHA). Yes, in all aspects such as drinking, going out late, arguing with my parents/sister. Anything really.
6. Tell my loved ones how much I love them. More than I already do!
7. Maintain my important friendships! <-- Muy importante!
8. Be more honest and upfront. First task: CONFESSION!
9. Write a lot in my moleskin. I know I'll look back and laugh/cry at the things I've written down.

This is all for now I suppose. Thank you God for 2010. To new starts. To new beginnings. And to a new year. (: