Dear Future Lover,

I’d love to think your name is extremely sexy and rolls off my tongue easily. Maybe something different and frequently mispronounced like mine. I’m hoping you’re at least a head taller than me to fit my five foot two height. No, I’m not writing this in order to define such words I hope you’ll be like. My real reason is to simply to say I’ll no longer be waiting for you.

It’s something I decided since I was little actually. That my first kiss would be my first boyfriend and we’d be together for a damn good long time. I’m in my Senior year of high school and I must admit the sick sweetness of being “in love” at this age or even just being with someone who you’re “exclusively dating” is pretty tempting.

This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on meeting you nor does it mean I’ll start dating any willing guy to make up for lost time. Rather, I’m not going to be so intent on finding you and let things fall into place themselves. Yeah, that’s it. Let fate take its course.

Let me just tell you I’m weird. I know I’m weird. I listen to foreign music, pretty much stalk people I’ll never talk to, and I’m so inexperienced with relationships. I haven’t so much even “talked” to boy. But don’t let that scare you off. I eat whatever and whenever I want; I like being active (except running!) and would play one-on-one with you anytime; and I sure do love a a good challenge, be it at mario kart or a plain old bet.

In the meantime, don’t worry about finding me. I have amazing friends, a loving huge family, and the self-respect to know I’ll be perfectly fine. Having you there would just make my life all the worth living.

So until we meet, keep doing your thing as will I. Just promise to not stop looking for me because I promise I’m right here. Keep your eyes open because I’m positive, just as everything else, we’ll meet when the time is absolutely right.

Love,

Kathlynn

How I Perceived My High School Relationship

Some of these can't even apply to me. Ahaha. I always imagined these different scenarios:

1. Childhood Friends - Most cliche I know, but I'm a sucker for them. However, I've moved around too much for this to have ever experienced this.
2. Cool Kid and Nerd Girl - Have you seen She's All That? Yeah, I would be Rachel Leigh Cook and he would be Freddie Prince Jr. This is my favorite I think.
3. Immediate Attraction - Pretty much love at first sight I guess. I'd look at him, he'd look at me and from there we would hit it off.
4. The New Kid - He or I would have been the new transfer student and we'd have a class together and right from the get go we had chemistry.
5. Enemies to Lovers - The storyline is basically you hate each other at first, but once you get to know each other, BAM. Instant chemistry.
6. Prince and the Pauper - HAH! Most unlikely from the bunch, but it was always nice to think some kind of miraculous occurrence would bring a celebrity to my doorstep and he falls in love with me. 

I know. What the fuck am I blogging about at 1:30 in the morning. I have no idea either. I have so many other things I should be thinking about right now. I'm thinking "fuck it" right now though.

Fuck fuck fuck

Faith has really taken a turn for the worst for me.

I didn't get into any UCs I applied to. LA, San Diego, and Irvine. All saying "they regret to inform me" that I will not be able to attend their school this year in the fall.

Did I just spend the past three and a half year of my life working my ass off for nothing? Please tell me it isn't true.

Part of me thinks it's some sick twisted joke some retarded show on MTV is gonna release later this year, but then that would be unprofessional and childish. No. The truth is I really got rejected to five out of the six schools I applied to.

I have seriously never felt my heart ache so much before. Not even when I liked Edward, my first heartbreak.

Community college or CS Fullerton?

So much for the college experience.

Tough Times

You know the sayings, "the glass is half empty or half full." I'd use one of those as my outlook on life right now, but somehow I'm stuck somewhere in between.

On one hand, I've always considered myself an optimist what with me having two perfectly good hands, arms, eyes, feet, etc. But on the other, there's all these problems with family and school. I really hate it. Shall I explain?

More than a month ago, my sister and I fought OVER MOTHERFUCKING text about something so unimportant I can't even recall all the details of why we were fighting. We both said a lot of nasty things though. things I'm sure we both regret saying. I'm pretty sure we're both over it (I am at least), but the only thing standing in our way is our damn big egos. I really miss telling her all my baggage though.

As for my parents, I don't know if it's just me being a brat or we really are getting on each other's nerves, but I snap so easily at my parents recently. It hurts me even more that I know I'm going to regret saying or doing whatever it is to my parents. I hate how independent I wish I was or want to be and yet all I really know how to do around the house is wash dishes and take out the trash. Even then I do it was disdain. All my parents really wanted me to do as a kid was study my ass off so I'd get a kickass education and not make an ass out of myself when I'm older.

Which brings me to why I fucking hate the UC system. Ugh, I feel like I totally just wasted $200 of my parent's money applying to schools that didn't even accept me. UCLA was one thing, since I really just did it "for the hell of it," but not getting into SD. Damn that hurt. I was really set on going there. I knew it was a hard school to get into, but fuck I really thought I had a chance getting in. Fuck my C's in school and that 1740 on my SATs. I didn't even get into SDSU. I feel like I totally fucked up on my application somehow. you know, maybe typed in caps "DON'T ACCEPT ME BECAUSE I WOULDN'T BENEFIT YOUR SCHOOL IN ANY WAY!!" or something like that. Really though, reading three rejections might have been too much for me to handle. That's why my only hope really is UCI. And I haven't heard from them in God knows how long.

Let me just firmly say that the UC system fucking sucks huge dick.

On a lighter note, going to retreat instead of Dustbowl was a fantastic choice. I got a lot closer to my kids, I felt good after doing my sharing, and I felt I spent my last confirmation retreat for a long time with some amazing people. I don't ever want to forget Nikole, Ashlee, Graham, Tiffany, John, Keith, Sofia, Sam, etc. Those kids are just too cool.

But it was also a bummer coming back to face three rejections. Really though, it was. I told my mom how I didn't want to go to school the following day and when she asked why I straight up told her, "I got three rejection letters." Then I started crying.

My mom's such a sweetheart. She went right into saying it was okay and trying to comfort me. Being the douche I am, however, I was giving her attitude about not getting into those schools and how I gave it my all (most of it anyway) and I was still rejected. It just doesn't make sense to me. I need to discuss this with my sister (if only I was talking to her.) I neeeeed to get into UCI. Like really bad.

I hate waiting patiently for something this important.

I should write my "white flag letter of apology" to my sister soon. Till next time.

It's been too long.

I realize I haven't blogged in forever and it sucks because I love documenting my life in all forms - both suckiness and awesomeness.

I have a lot of things to talk about though.

It's my dad's birthday today and I won't be able to spend much time with him because of Dustbowl practice and Confirmation. I really wanted to do Dustbowl this year too considering I probably won't have the chance to do this ever, but I think I'm making the right decision by going on retreat. To compensate for not going to the game I'm attending all the practices I can. The thing that bugs me the most is Michael. I really saw Michael as someone who had my back. But quitting on me as my co-leader and not even bothering to ask what's been going in my life. Not something best friends should be pulling.

Things at home are turning into shit. I haven't spoken to my sister in almost a month because of a stupid text fight. She said some pretty terrible stuff which is why I refuse to apologize to her. If anything, I'm fine reconciling that I'm over it, which I am in a sense. I'm not the type to hold grudges. If I don't care about something that happened a month ago, then I'm over it and we can be cool. Unfortunately, that doesn't apply to my sister. I really wish she didn't have such a huge ego. Maybe then I could have talked to her about all this shit that I've been thinking about.

I don't know if it's because I've been so busy lately or what not, but I'm always so damn moody when I come home. I rarely come home early anymore because of Dustbowl practice and all the other added responsibilities I have. They just keep coming and coming. But when I come home I'm just greeted with some ugly slap in the face, metaphorically speaking of course. When I'm at home I feel useless and unwanted, but when I'm out doing things, my parents make me feel like I need to be home rotting away. I hate all this family bonding crap they put on me about not spending enough time at home as if even when I am at home we actually do family things. Yeah, TFC definitely equals quality family time. I mean in a sense hell yeah, but not every effing day man.


Today, prom committee went to the Grove of Anaheim to go over everything and I got so excited. How I imagine prom is just absolutely amazing. I need a date still though. /: Anyway, the lady from the event group was so dope and we talked about internships and I really think I might be interested in doing it. She gets free tickets to concerts and there are a lot more benefits to her job. Not to mention I think I'd have a ton of fun doing it. She majored in business and marketing. But damn she told me to e-mail her at the end of this year about the internship. Hopefully it would'nt interfere with any road trips or other "last summer" plans. ):



I'm seriously tipping out due to my lack of acceptance letters aside from Fullerton and I don't think I want to go there. Maybe it's because I applied undeclared to all of my schools, but omfg the suspense it killing me.

Last thing. At the rate I'm going, I don't think I'll ever get my license. Thanks for trusting me on the road, Mama and Papa.

I want to go to Disneyland ASAP.