Same old, same old.

I haven't typed up a venting session or personal blog in a very long time so I hope this doesn't come out awkward or anything.

So I guess I'll start out with Sabrina's birthday. I love Sabrina. She's my best friend and she's a good person and she's lovable and just about every other positive quality out there. And I know there shouldn't even be a comparison when it comes to the both of us because we're two completely separate people, but it's hard to forget how perfect she is when it's shoved in my face all the time. Her party last night was like a huge billboard sign reminding me how much of a black sheep I am. I can only thank God we weren't in the same grade. Whenever I imagine us being in the same grade, I think about how everyone already loves her more and instead of my friends being her friends it would be me being friends with her friends. I hope that makes sense. Not that that makes much of a difference with my friends now. I mean, the only people who really know how insecure I am about my family are Nadine, Patricia, and CJ. Although, CJ forgets most of the time. Anyway, I hate hearing from my so called friends that Sabrina or my sister are their favorite "Sicams." It's pretty much a huge slap to my face. Why are you friends with me when you obviously like them more? I don't know why I have such a hard time verbalizing my discomfort when they say things like this. I wish I could just be upfront and release my frustration that you should just hang out with them and not me, but then that would make me vulnerable. That would make me sensitive. But I'm not being sensitive, right? I have a right to be angry, right?

Lately, I've been really on edge with Michael. I mean we fight all the time, but lately it's been getting unbearable. And it's so stupid to be fighting with your best friend. Like, I find it completely unnecessary. But Michael makes me feel like complete shit sometimes. And your best friend shouldn't make you feel like that, right? So why do I let him get away with it? Especially when I'm driving and he starts an argument. I'd totally be like, "Get out of the fucking car you're pissing me off." But I know he would really do it instead of apologizing. And it would just be, as I've said before, completely fucking unnecessary. I love him to death, but sometimes I wish he would give me a little credit.

What I really hate the most though is how comfortable my sister is talking shit to my face in front of my "friends" and them being completely okay with it. More than okay. Actually siding with her. It hurts my fucking feelings and I hate admitting that. I think what makes me really sad is how much I always listen to her but when it's something I feel strongly about she'll either brush it off or make it seem like I should have done something else. Anyway last night when my Tita Edith was talking about how Beng was 8th in her class and drill captain and all of this, and when my sister was the emcee and she's just so great at everything and crying during her candle speech, I really felt it. Like I didn't belong. Like somehow I ended up randomly being placed into that family, like Beng and Ate really should have been sisters and I placed into some other family that I would make more sense in. I know my debut was only a month or so ago, but even within that short time gap I couldn't remember being that loved. And I know I'm totally talking out of my ass because my friends really did make that weekend fucking amazing and that I really am loved by my family. But it's the unconditional kind of love, that my family has to love me regardless. I know people are joking when they say, "Where did you come from?" or other stuff like that, but I ask myself the same question all the time. It's just so hard being a part of a family that has so many expectations from you. And fuck that bullshit about it doesn't matter where you go and what you do as long as you make it because it does matter. In my family at least, if you don't want people to talk shit. Which I shouldn't care about, but I do. I've known this forever, but whenever I think about it I always have to talk my feelings out. Knowing I'm always gonna be two steps behind my sister and Sabrina. And when I can't turn to family, I should have my friends, right? Right. I just need a little reassurance.